To Fall
by Anguish of My Love
Summary: And she told herself over and over again, she did NOT love Paul. But it was just so hard not to. Ikarishipping *Sister of Regret and Pain*


Disclaimer: Sometimes, I just start wondering why I even have to tell you this…….

* * *

Paul's eyes always showed what his mouth couldn't say. Every emotion, every thought, everything that happened inside Paul could be seen in his eyes.

Dawn guessed that was why she was constantly looking at them.

Whenever he was battling, whenever he talked, whenever he was near. The girl found herself staring at his black orbs.

It was stupid, really. When it was someone else, she wouldn't focus only on the eyes. Sometimes, hers would wander to the person's mouth, or their hair, sometimes not even looking at any specific part already was enough for her.

But never, she never only looked at the eyes.

But the more she tried to turn away from them, the more she couldn't. The more she tried to resist, the more they attracted her.

Because when Paul would glance at her, there was always a flicker of emotion he only seemed to feel for her.

And her heart would raise, her pulse would quicken, her cheeks would flare (just barely, though), her hands would feel her hair, but most importantly, her eyes couldn't look anywhere else.

And she told herself over and over again, she did _not_ love Paul.

But she felt like it was wrong for him.

Dawn shook her head. She shouldn't care what would happen to him. He was her friend's rival, after all.

Somehow, it was like betraying Ash if she was concerned for him.

So every day, she would wake up cursing his name. So every day, she would taunt him. So every day, she would look at him with raging eyes. So every day, she would ignore the hurt that appeared in his eyes whenever she did.

It pained her to see him break just a little bit more, she had to admit.

She knew how fragile Paul really was, almost like a crab. She compared its viciousness to his apathy, and how soft it was in the inside to how delicate his feelings were. And she was the one who was cracking his shell open and forking through his emotions.

She grimaced every time she would think that. And her fists would clench just a little too hard that they would shake. She didn't want to be the reason why Paul would eventually shatter.

Because Paul was supposed to be strong and indifferent and she was supposed to be weak and harmless. They weren't meant to change positions.

But still, she found herself crushing him because of what he felt and what she couldn't.

And still, she tried to hate him while she could see he felt something entirely different.

So ever day, when she would curse him, she always meant to curse herself. So every day, when she would taunt him, she meant to tell him to stop feeling what he did. So every day, when she would glare at him, she meant to look away. So every day, when she ignored the ache she saw, she meant to hold him and stop it from hurting him.

But she didn't do those things.

She knew, that if she did, he'd only fall for her even more. And, she didn't want that. She felt that—no, she _knew_ that he'd only crumble at the end.

And, and she might, too. She might.......fall for him.

So much that she can't deny it.

So much that-that she'll _let_ herself love him. _Let_ him love her.

And it wouldn't work out. They just wouldn't work out.

So she didn't let him get near. She glared him down. She forced herself to sting him with every word, and every scowl. She bit back her emotions whenever she saw him crumble. She made herself hate him.

Because really, it was the only thing she could do.

She hated it, she really did.

But she should've cared less.

And she told herself over and over again, she did _not_ love Paul.

But it was so hard not to.

* * *

She shouldn't care about him. No, he should be air to her. Horrible air she isn't even supposed to breathe.

But here she was, in the middle of another forest without any sign of her companions.

And _he_ was there.

He was in front of her.

_Kissing_ her.

And she told herself over and over again, she did _not_ love Paul.

But her resolve weakened with each second passing by, his lips _on top_ of hers.

But she didn't let that get in the way.

She clenched her hands and kept her mouth firm. Her eyes kept shut, she _wouldn't_ let herself see him.

He would only destroy the last bit of control she had. She _wouldn't_ let him.

She tried to pay attention to something else, _anything_ else, but the kiss.

But it lured her in.

It was soft, gentle. Fragile like how his heart was. She even felt his uncertainty in it.

And there was _that_ feeling.

The one thing that could crumble every wall she's worked so hard for. The feeling that made her insecure and vulnerable, weak and powerless. That thing that made her think that maybe, just maybe, they'd work out.

But she wouldn't let it get to her. She didn't let it get deeper than how much it had already gone. And even if it felt like a losing battle, she couldn't let it control her.

So she stayed there, motionless. Letting him kiss her, not letting herself kiss back.

Her palms were wet, and she knew they were quivering.

She tried to focus on the pain she felt. But it wasn't enough.

She could taste him. And her strength weakened.

But she kept her head in the forest. Not where his was.

She kept her body straight. Not melting into his.

She kept her mouth steady. Not moving once.

She kept her heart in her chest. Not on her face, not anywhere else.

And, she felt it, his pressure on her lessened.

She had almost whimpered at the action. But she stopped herself.

And she told herself over and over again, she did _not_ love Paul.

But her determination lessened each and every time.

She tried to hold on to what was left, no matter how little there was. She couldn't let herself _go_ to him.

Because Dawn thought it they'd only hurt in the end.

She couldn't be with him. And he couldn't be with her. It was _wrong_. And Dawn wasn't willing to do something that could destroy everything they've worked for.

So she tried to make him hate her. Make _herself_ despise him.

But he didn't let her do that.

And she _hated_ it.

His lips were only barely above hers now.

She did all she could to not pull him in.

Soon enough, they weren't there anymore.

And she had to open her eyes.

To look at _his_ again.

And like every day, they showed him everything he felt. Sadness. Disappointment. Anger. Hopelessness. Desperation. Fear. Helplessness.

Love.

And she cursed it.

If it wasn't for _that feeling_, he wouldn't be here. He wouldn't have been kissing her. He wouldn't look at her. He wouldn't _see_ her.

And still, she couldn't find herself _hating_ him.

She couldn't tell him he was nothing without lying. She couldn't look at him without wavering—but just a little that no one had ever noticed. She couldn't walk away without cracking just a little bit more inside. But she couldn't hate him.

So she hated love.

For its authority on everything. For its power to move everything to whatever position it wanted. For its strong hold on someone who _shouldn't_ feel such emotion.

"D-Dawn..." And for the first time, he called her by her name. He called her in that low, raspy voice that could break the last piece of command on her heart.

And she bit her tongue.

To stop herself from saying anything she knew she will regret later on. And probably from finally crying.

Dawn felt something on her cheek. Something so warm yet so cold.

And she couldn't stop herself from leaning towards his hand.

He didn't take it as a good reaction, she was aware of that, he didn't take it as any kind of reaction.

To him—she was sure—that it was an impulse. Just a natural response to whoever would have done it.

She couldn't lie and thought that it was just half true.

And, with that choked voice he had, he whispered, "I-I don't know if you love me or not,"

She didn't, either.

"But......." He couldn't go on, she didn't tell him to. "...Just...tell me." He _looked_ at her and she couldn't turn away. "If....i-if you don't, then I won't....."

She didn't need him to continue, she already knew what he would say.

But he did, anyhow, "..I-I won't ever bother you again. You won't ever see my face anymore."

It had taken him so much to say that, that thought echoed in her mind. And she gulped on a lump.

Paul wouldn't ever show how weak he was to anybody.

She knew that he trusted her. And she hated him for it.

"S-so......."

She looked up at him.

".......do you?"

It would be so easy to tell him the truth.

But she knew that they'd only cry when it all ends.

She didn't want any more pain. Not to him.

"...No."

And she watched him walk away.

Inside her, she felt her heart shatter. His was, too.

But it would only have hurt more if she really told him. She thought it was saving them more anguish this way.

And as his back got smaller and smaller, Dawn felt something icy slide down her face.

This was the first time she had let herself cry.

And she told herself over and over again, she did _not_ love Paul.

But deep inside, she knew she already did. So much that she didn't think she'd be able to get out of the feeling anymore.

* * *

This had been going in my head for more than two months now. I only had the motivation to start it now :P

If you ask me, they aren't really OOC. No one ever knows what happens inside characters mind and people can only guess.

This is _too_ sad. I guess this is sorta the Sister of 'Regret and Pain'. Maybe I'll make one like this for Contestshipping. If I get an idea.


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